Used Car

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car. He stopped and asked them if they were stealing the car. They said "Heavens no, we bought it." 

He said, "Then why don't you drive it away". 

Each of the women said "We can't drive". 

The officer momentarily shook his head and then asked "Then why did you buy it?" 

They answered, "We were told if we bought a car here, we'd get screwed, so we are just waiting.

Black Powder

A guy enters a bank to see about getting a business loan. 
"What kind of business do you want to start?" asks the bank manager. 
"I have some black powder. You sprinkle it on a women's vagina and it makes it taste like a peach." 
"I don't think we can give you a loan." he replied. 
So the guy left. A few months later he went into the bank with a wheel barrel filled with money. 
The same bank manager said, "Congratulations, I guess that idea for black powder really paid off." 
"Nah, that didn't go anywhere. I made my money with this white powder." 
"Really," replied the bank manager. "What does it do?" 
"Give me a peach and I'll show you."

Cat Heaven

One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven. There he meets the Lord Himself. The Lord says to the cat “you lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know”.
The cat thinks for a moment and says “Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor.”
The Lord stops the cat and says “say no more” and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later 6 mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to heaven. Again there is the Lord there to great them with the same offer. The mice answer “All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs and even women with brooms. We are tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don’t have to run anymore?”
The Lord says “say no more” and fits each mouse with a beautiful pair of roller skates.
About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, “How are things since you are here?”
The cat stretches and yawns and replies “It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those Meals On Wheels you have been sending by are the best!!!” :)

Do Cats Go To Heaven

A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, "You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask." 

The cats says, "Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors."

God says, "Say no more." And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. 

A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat. The mice said, "All our lives we've had to run. Cats, dogs and even women with brooms have chased us. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore."

God says, "Say no more." And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.

About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, "How are you doing? Are you happy here?" 

The cat yawns and stretches and says, "Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best!"

Parrot

Three women walk in a pet shop.

Suddenly the parrot yells out, "Yellow, pink, blue."

The first lady says, "That's funny, Iâm wearing yellow underwear."

The second lady says "well I'm wearing pink."

The third lady says "No way, I'm wearing blue."

To test the parrot, the next day, all of them wore white and the parrot shouted, "white ! white ! white!"

The three women are amazed.

The final test was the third day, just as they walk in the parrot yelled "Bald, curly and straight!"

They never went there again!!

Used Car

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car. He stopped and asked them if they were stealing the car. They said "Heavens no, we bought it." 

He said, "Then why don't you drive it away". 

Each of the women said "We can't drive". 

The officer momentarily shook his head and then asked "Then why did you buy it?" 

They answered, "We were told if we bought a car here, we'd get screwed, so we are just waiting.

Man In California

Once there was a man in California. He was standing on a beach when God appeared to him.

God said, "You've been a good man all your life and now I want to grant you one wish. Go ahead and wish for whatever you want."

The man thought for a minute and then replied: "You know, I've always wanted to go to Hawaii. Could you build me a highway to Hawaii so that I can drive there whenever I want?"

God exclaimed, "That's impossible! The logistics....the engineering... I can't do that! Wish for something else."

So the man told God, "I've never been able to understand women. Could you give me the power to understand women?"

Buy Machine Factory

An American manufacturer is showing his machine factory to a potential customer from Albania. At noon, when the lunch whistle blows, two thousand men and women immediately stop work and leave the building. 

"Your workers, they're escaping!" cries the visitor. "You've got to stop them." 

"Don't worry, they'll be back," says the American. And indeed, at exactly one o'clock the whistle blows again, and all the workers return from their break. 

When the tour is over, the manufacturer turns to his guest and says, "Well, now, which of these machines would you like to order?" 

"Forget the machines," says the visitor. "How much do you want for that whistle?"

Half Sisters

One Sunday morning Joe burst into the living room and said: "Dad, Mom, I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan."

After dinner, Joe's dad took him aside and said: "Son, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married 30 years. She's a wonderful wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half-sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."

Joe was heartbroken. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced: "Dianne said yes! We are getting married in June."

Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news: "Diane is your half-sister too, Joe, I am very sorry about this."

Joe was furious. He finally decided to go to his mother with the news.

"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I am never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half-sister."

His mother just shook her head and said: "Don't pay any attention to what he says, dear. He's not really your father."

Women And Golf

2 women were playing golf. On the third hole there was a 4 men in front of them but about 175 yards down the fairway. 

The first woman said i'll tee off he is far enough away. She hit the drive of her life, like a shot straight down the faraway. She screamed fore at the top of her lungs and as the men turned one was hit solidly. He was rolling on the ground in pain with his hands between his legs. 

She ran to him, apologizing and saying "let me help I am a physical therapist." He protested but she got him to put his hands at his side. She unzipped his pants and began massaging him. 

"How does that feel?" she asked. He said, "Great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

Special Gift

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.

The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.

"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated by check. "I know you need to make sure the check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

Why You Should Never Send Men Shopping

A Man Took His Wife To The Rodeo

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls.

They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

"This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year. " The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's rib, said, "That's once a day.You could REALLY learn something from this one."

The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow."

A Man Is Dating Three Women And Wants To Decide Which To Marry. This Is Perfect.

The Spice Of Life

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide they need to try and spice up their sex lives… that night all three will wear a leather corset, stilettos, and mask over their eyes.

After a few days they meet again.

The engaged girlfriend said: “The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather corset, 4′ stilettos and mask. He said, ‘You are the woman of my life, I love you… then we made love all night long.”

The mistress stated: “Oh Yes! The other night we met in the office. I was wearing the leather corset, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn’ say a word. We just had wild sex all night.”

The married one then said: “The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said, ‘Hey Batman, what’s for dinner?'”