Launderette Reunion

Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health, one asked how the other's husband was doing.

"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"

"Oh dear! I'm so very sorry," replied her friend. "What did you do?"

"Opened a can of peas instead."

Used Car

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car. He stopped and asked them if they were stealing the car. They said "Heavens no, we bought it." 

He said, "Then why don't you drive it away". 

Each of the women said "We can't drive". 

The officer momentarily shook his head and then asked "Then why did you buy it?" 

They answered, "We were told if we bought a car here, we'd get screwed, so we are just waiting.

The Salesman

The salesman was demonstrating unbreakable combs in the department store. He was impressing the people who stopped by to look by putting the comb through all sorts of torture and stress.
Finally to impress even the skeptics in the crowd, he bent the comb completely in half, and it snapped with a loud crack. Without missing a beat, he bravely held up both halves of the 'unbreakable' comb for everyone to see and said,
"And this, ladies and gentlemen, is what an unbreakable comb looks like on the inside..."

Gorilla in Bar

A black man enters a bar with his gorilla. He says to the bartender, "I would like a beer, and a gin and tonic for my girlfriend here."
The bartender looks at him like he's nuts and says, " I sorry but I don't serve Gorillas in this bar."

The man has an idea. He takes his girlfriend home and shaves her head, gives her a wig, dress, and makeup. Then he returns to the same bar. He places the same order and this time the bar tender gives it to them.

They go and sit in a corner while the bartender turns to his friend and says, "Damn! Did you ever notice how all the good looking Iraqi ladies that come in here, always seem to be with black men.

Used Car

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car. He stopped and asked them if they were stealing the car. They said "Heavens no, we bought it." 

He said, "Then why don't you drive it away". 

Each of the women said "We can't drive". 

The officer momentarily shook his head and then asked "Then why did you buy it?" 

They answered, "We were told if we bought a car here, we'd get screwed, so we are just waiting.

Married For Fifty Years

Harold and Gertrude had been married for fifty years and played golf together every Saturday.

One day while out on the course, Harold said to Gertrude, "Honey, there has been something bothering me all these years that I'd like to get off my chest before I die. You remember when we were first married and I had that pretty young secretary working for me? Well, I had an affair with her. But it was only one time, that was many years ago and I have been faithful to you ever since."

Gertrude replied, "Harold, there is something bothering me which I need to tell you. Three years before I met you, I had a sex change operation."

Harold was visibly shaken and could only reply, "Honey, how could you have never told me this?...and all these years you've been hitting from the ladies tees!!"

Rider

After a round of golf, four ladies sat around the club house, chatting. 

Seeing the ladies, the Pro approached them and asked: "How did your game go? 

The first lady, a brunette, said she had a good round ... making the comment that she actually had 25 riders. The Pro was a bit perplexed not knowing what a "Rider" was. 

The second was a blonde lady who quickly chimed in and said that she had a very good round as well with 16 riders. 

The third lady then said that her round was average and that she only had 10 riders. 

The fourth lady admitted that she played the worst round of the day and that she only had 2 riders all day long. 

The Pro was completely confused not knowing what the term "rider" meant. But, because he didn't want to look dumb, he made a quick polite remark, wished the ladies well and then left. 

He then approached the bartender and asked "Hey, can you tell me what these ladies are talking about when they refer to "Riders"?" 

The bartender simply smiled and said..."A 'Rider" is when you hit a shot long enough to ride on the golf cart to your ball.

A Nun Is Standing Outside A Pub

A nun is standing outside a pub and a man comes round the corner, planning to grab an after-work bevy. The nun immediately points at him, and intones:

"Before you enter this den of sin and debauchery, think of your mother and father!"

The man wipes away a tear, and says "They're dead, God bless 'em. They're dead, in heaven."

"Well," says the nun, "Then think of the damage the alcohol will do to your brain!"

"What? What are you talking about?" the man asks. "Have you ever had a drink?" The nun says she has not. "Then how can you talk to me about alcohol? I'll tell you what I'll do," he continues, "I'll buy you a drink, and after you've drunk it, then you can talk to me about alcohol. What'll you have?"

"I don't know," says the nun. "What do ladies usually drink?"

"Gin," he replies.

"Oh, alright," she says. "But - but can you put it in a cup, so nobody notices." The man nods and walks into the bar, calling out to the bartender.

"Bartender! I'll have a beer, and a double gin in a cup!"

"It's that bloody nun outside again, isn't it?"