An Old Man Who Loves Fish

An old man who loves to fish, was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up." 
He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up." 
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog. 
The man said, "Are you talking to me?" 
The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll then give you more sexual pleasure that you ever could have dreamed of." 
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket. 
Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will give you sexual pleasures like you have never had." 
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

Dog Bite

There was a hound dog laying in the yard and an old geezer in overalls was sitting on the porch.

"Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?" the tourist asked.

The old man looked up over his newspaper and replied, "Nope."

As soon as the tourist stepped out of his car, the dog began snarling and growling, and then attacked both his arms and legs. As the tourist flailed around in the dust, he yelled, "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!"

The old man muttered, "Ain't my dog."

The Ring

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. 
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. 
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. 
The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special." 
At that Statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 
"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. 
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it." 
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. "I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said. 
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account." 
"I know," said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?" 
Don't mess with Old People.      

Fastest Car

A man goes out and buys the best car available in the US or Europe, a 2001 Turbo BeepBeep. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped, both looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?".
The dude replies "A 2001 Turbo BeepBeep. They cost $500,000."
"That's a lotta money!" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Cause this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.
The old man asks "Can I take a look inside?"
"Sure" replies the owner.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says "That's a pretty nice car, alright!"
Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320. Suddenly, the guy notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!
Whhhoooooooooossssshhhhhh! Something whips by him! Going maybe three times as fast!
The guy wonders "what on earth could be going faster than my Turbo BeepBeeP?" Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him.
Whooooooooooosh! Goes by again! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! Couldn't be thinks the guy. How could a moped outrun a Turbo BeepBeep? Again, he sees a dot in his rearview mirror!
WhoooooooshhhhhhhhKa-BbbbblaMMMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end.
The guy jumps out and discovers it is the old man! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. The guy runs up to the dying old man and asks "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man replies "Yeah. Unhook my suspenders from the side-view mirror on your car!"

Cotton Candy

So this old man is walking down the street in Brooklyn.

He sees a young boy sitting on the street in front of a candy shop, shoving sweets in his mouth as fast as possible.

The man walks up to the boy and says "You know son, it's really not healthy to eat all that candy."

The kid looks up at him and says, "You know my grandfather lived to be 97 years old."

The man replies "Oh and did he eat a lot of candy?" The kid looks at him and says "No, but he minded his own f*cking business."

The Old Man

The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat. 

His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, "Where are you going?" 

He replies, "I'm going to the doctor." 

She says, "Why, are you sick?" 

He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff." 

Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat. 

He says, "Where the hell are you going"? 

She answers, "I'm going to the doctor, too." 

He says, "Why, what do you need?" 

She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a tetanus shot."

Three Old Man

Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily dysfunctions.

One 75-year-old man says: "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at 7 a.m. and it takes me 20 minutes to pee."

An 80-year-old man says: "My case is worse. I get up at 8 a.m. and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."

The 90-year-old man says: "Not me. At 7 a.m. I pee like a horse and at 8 a.m. I crap like a cow."

"So what's your problem?" asked the others.

"I don't wake up until 9:00."

Smart Puppy

A guy went to the cinema one day and noticed an old man with a dog in the front row. It was a sad, funny kind of film and the guy noticed that during the sad parts the dog cried his eyes out, and during the funny parts, the dog laughed its head off.

This happened throughout the film. After the film ended, the guy decided to go and speak to the old man.

"That's the most amazing thing I've seen," he said. "That dog really seemed to enjoy the film."

The old man turned to him and said: "Yeah, it is amazing. He hated the book."

Hair Color

An old man was sitting on a bench in the mall when a young man with spiked hair came over and sat down beside him. The boy's hair was yellow, green, orange, and purple. He had black makeup around his eyes. The old man just stared at him. 

Finally the boy said, "what's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done anything wild in your life?" 

The old man thought for a while and answered, "well yes actually, I have, I once got drunk and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."  

Old Man Goes To Doctor

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "

Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

Husband Wanted

A lonely 70-year-old widow decided that it was time to marry again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read: "Husband wanted! Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me and must still be good in bed. All applicants please apply in person."

The following day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.

"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" the widow asked: "Just look at you -- you have no legs!"

The old gent smiled: "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"

"You don't have any arms either!" she snorted.

Again, the old man smiled: "Therefore, I can never beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently: "Are you still good in bed?"

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said: "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"