Used Car

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car. He stopped and asked them if they were stealing the car. They said "Heavens no, we bought it." 

He said, "Then why don't you drive it away". 

Each of the women said "We can't drive". 

The officer momentarily shook his head and then asked "Then why did you buy it?" 

They answered, "We were told if we bought a car here, we'd get screwed, so we are just waiting.

Bedtime Prayers

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents.

At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs. "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE... I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO... I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."

His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."

To which the little brother replied, "No, but Gramma is!"

Car or Haircut

A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and enquired of his father, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car." 
Well, the boy thought about that for a moment, and settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. After about six weeks they went in to the study, where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud. You've brought your grades up, and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, and participating a lot more in the Bible study groups. But, I'm real disappointed, since you haven't gotten your hair cut." 
The young man paused a moment, and then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair also."

To this his father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"

Strong Medicine For The Nun

Pat is not feeling very well and he decides to go to a doctor. 

While he is waiting in the doctor's reception room, a nun comes out of the doctor's office. She looks very ashen, drawn and haggard. 

Pat goes into the doctor's office and says to the doctor: "I just saw a nun leaving who looked absolutely terrible. I have never seen a woman look worse."

The doctor says: "I just told her that she is pregnant." 

Pat exclaims: "Oh my, is she?" 

The doctor responds: "No, but it sure cured her hiccups."

Door To Door

Two salesmen were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their offer and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result-the door bounced back open.

Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door,she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said:

“Ma'am, before you do that again you need to move your cat.”

A Hippie

So a hippie sits down at a bar and tries to order a beer on a tab, but the bartender wants money up front which the hippie doesn't have. So the guy next to him offers to buy him a beer. They start talking and drinking and drinking and talking. After a while the guy says to the hippie, "come with me to the bathroom and I'll give you a bl*w job".

Suddenly the hippie jumps off his stool, pushes the guy down, and starts kicking the guy repeatedly.

A couple of patrons pull the hippie back. They ask him what the guy said to piss him off so much.

"Something about a job. "

How Was Your Game , Dear ?

"How was your game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy. 

"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went," he answered. 

"But you're 75 years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?" 

"But he's 85 and doesn't play golf anymore," protested Jack. 

"But he's got perfect eyesight. He would watch the ball for you," Tracy pointed out. 

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack. 

"Yup," Scott answered. 

"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance. 

"I forgot."