Three Old Man

Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily dysfunctions.

One 75-year-old man says: "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at 7 a.m. and it takes me 20 minutes to pee."

An 80-year-old man says: "My case is worse. I get up at 8 a.m. and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."

The 90-year-old man says: "Not me. At 7 a.m. I pee like a horse and at 8 a.m. I crap like a cow."

"So what's your problem?" asked the others.

"I don't wake up until 9:00."

Train Test

Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box. 
The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?" 
Tom says: "I would switch one train to another track." 
"What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector. 
"Then I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there", answers Tom. 
"What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector. 
"Then," Tom continued, "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box." 
"What if the phone was busy?" 
"In that case," Tom argued, "I'd run to the street level and use the public phone near the station". 
"What if that had been vandalized?" 
"Oh well," said Tom, "in that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo". 
This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, "Why would you do that?" 
"Because he's never seen a train crash."

Speeding Ticket

Cop pulls over a car with a couple in it.

"What's the problem officer?"

"Sir, you were going 68 in a 50-zone."

"What, that's ridiculous! I did no such thing!"

"Sir, I caught you with my radar gun, and it's always accurate, but I’ll give you some leeway and reduce it to 62.

"Well, not this time, asshole. I know I was doing 54! I'll take it to court, you son of a bitch!" The cop hands the man the ticket, and he rips it up.

"Sir, I'm going to have to insist you calm down, or I'll put you under arrest."

Suddenly, the wife interjects, "Mister, I wouldn't push it. There's no use arguing with him when he's drunk."

Watch This Parrot’s High-Speed Tap Dance Is So Adorable

I’ve never seen a bird tap-dancing before, but the parrot in the following video seems to be an expert at it. This rhythmic bird has learned a thing or two about moving his feet to the beat, and he does it so fast, his little legs are a complete blur when captured on camera.

This bird dances better than most people, I had no idea parrots could even move like this. He has surprisingly good rhythm, even though no one has ever taught him how to dance. There might be natural causes for his behavior, maybe he’s marking his territory, but I really like to think he’s just having some fun.

Why White

A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night asks his mother, "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?" 

The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure." 

The son thanks his mom, and then seeks his father opinion, "Dad, why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white."

Two Old Drunks

Two old drunks are sitting in a bar when the first one says, "Ya know, when I was thirty and got an erection, I couldn't bend it, even using both hands. 

By the time I was forty, I could bend it about ten degrees if I tried really hard. 

By the time I was fifty, I could bend it about forty five degrees, no problem. 

I'm gonna be sixty next week, and now I can bend it in half with just one hand." 

"So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?" 

"Well, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get." 

A Kiss

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only a kiss a yard, " replied the smirking male clerk.

"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly. The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.