Vacation

An elderly couple was flying to Hawaii for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 50th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the captain announces, “Ladies and gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives.” Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later, the husband turns to his wife and asks, “Honey, did we pay the car bill this month?” “No, sweetheart,” she responds. Still shaken from the crash landing, he then asks, “Did we pay our credit card bill yet?” “Oh no! I’m sorry. I forgot to send the check,” she says. “One last thing, did you remember to pay the medical bill for the hospital visit last month?” he asks. “Oh, forgive me, sweetheart,” begged the wife. “I didn’t send that one, either.” The husband grabs her and gives her the biggest hug in 50 years. She pulls away and asks him, “What was the hug for?” The husband answers, “They’ll find us!”..

Newly Couple

Water Bottle With Straw Lid

 At 85 years old, Wally wedded Lou Anne, a beautiful 25-year-old.

Since her new spouse is so old, Lou Anne concludes that after their wedding she and Wally ought to have separate rooms, since she is worried that her new yet matured husband might overexert himself assuming they go through the whole night together.

At 85 years old, Wally wedded Lou Anne, a wonderful 25-year-old.

Since her new spouse is so old, Lou Anne concludes that after their wedding she and Wally ought to have separate rooms, since she is worried that her new however matured husband might overexert himself assuming they go through the whole night together.

To some degree astonished, Lou Anne assents for seriously coupling. At the point when the love birds are finished, Wally kisses his lady of the hour, offers her an affectionate goodnight, and leaves.

She is set to nod off once more, be that as it may, aha you got it - Wally is back once more, rapping on the entryway, and is basically as new as a 25-year-old, prepared for more "activity".

Furthermore, indeed they partake in one another. In any case, as Wally gets set to leave once more, his young lady of the hour shares with him, "I'm completely dazzled that at your age you can perform so well thus frequently.

I have been with folks under 33% of your age that were just great once. You are genuinely an extraordinary sweetheart, Wally." Wally, to some degree humiliated, goes to Lou Anne and says: … … … "You mean I was here as of now?"

Kiss

PEDIGREE Small Dog Complete Nutrition

 A wedded couple was in a horrendous mishap where the man's face was seriously scorched. The specialist let the spouse know that they couldn't join any skin from his body since he was excessively thin. So the spouse proposed to give her very own portion skin.

Nonetheless, the main skin on her body that the specialist felt was reasonable would need to come from her hindquarters.

The couple concurred that they would enlighten nobody concerning where the skin came from, and they mentioned that the specialist likewise honor their mystery. All things considered, this was an extremely sensitive matter.

After the medical procedure was finished, everybody was flabbergasted at the man's new face. He looked more attractive than he ever had previously! Every one of his companions and family members just continued forever about his energetic excellence!

At some point, he was distant from everyone else with his significant other, and he was overwhelmed with feeling at her penance. He said, "Dear, I simply need to thank you for all that you accomplished for me. How might I conceivably reimburse you?"

"My sweetheart," she answered, "I get every one of the says thanks to I really want each time I see your mom kiss you on the cheeks.

The Ultimate Computer

The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer Company's production line. At which point the guided tour eventually arrived.
The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo. 'This,' he said, 'is the Ultimate Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it.'
A smart-aleck who ran a humor mailing list stepped forward and asked, 'Where is my father?'
There was the soft hum of powerful electronic gear going to the task. Panel lights lit and blinked, and within a couple of seconds the laser printer printed out a piece of paper: 'Fishing off Florida.'
The smart-aleck laughed, 'Actually, my father is dead! It was a trick question.'
The salesman, quickly thinking on his feet, replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as the Ultimate Computer was precise, perhaps a rewording of the question might work better.
The smart-aleck said to the Ultimate Computer, 'Where is my mother's husband?' Again, the hum of the powerful electronic brain filled the room.
After a moment, the laser printer whirred to life. The paper said, 'Dead. But your father is still fishing off Florida.'

St. Peter And The Blonde

Some ecclesiastical gentlemen -- a cardinal, a couple of bishops and some others -- were waiting outside the Pearly Gates for St. Peter to open up. 

He finally arrived, but just they were about to enter heaven St. Peter asked them to wait a moment and let a new arrival through first. 

A sweet young thing in a mini-skirt arrived and was ushered through.The cardinal was a bit upset about this and demanded an explanation from St. Peter. After all, they had been waiting outside for quite some time and were pillars of the church. How could a girl in a mini-skirt deserve better treatment? 

St. Peter smiled and told him: "While she was alive, that young lady drove a little yellow sports car. She regularly jumped red lights, overtook on blind corners, and generally scared the devil out of more people than all of you combined."

Old Chinese Couple

An old Chinese couple was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. At bed time the old lady looked over at her husband of 4 decades and said, "For our anniversary I want you to pick any sexual pleasure you desire and I will do it".

The old man thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've always wanted to try the 69".

The old Chinese woman stared at her husband with a confused look on her face and said, "You want the beef with rice or chips?"

Speeding Ticket

Cop pulls over a car with a couple in it.

"What's the problem officer?"

"Sir, you were going 68 in a 50-zone."

"What, that's ridiculous! I did no such thing!"

"Sir, I caught you with my radar gun, and it's always accurate, but I’ll give you some leeway and reduce it to 62.

"Well, not this time, asshole. I know I was doing 54! I'll take it to court, you son of a bitch!" The cop hands the man the ticket, and he rips it up.

"Sir, I'm going to have to insist you calm down, or I'll put you under arrest."

Suddenly, the wife interjects, "Mister, I wouldn't push it. There's no use arguing with him when he's drunk."

Supermodel Next Door

The middle-aged married couple finally moved into the condo of their dreams, but right next door to a very sexy fashion model. The husband had taken to borrowing this or that from their neighbour and it seemed to the wife that it always took him way too long to return.

One time the wife had had enough and actually pounded on the wall between the two apartments. There being no response she telephoned, only to get the answering machine. Finally she went to the model's door and just kept ringing the bell.

When the model answered, the wife fumed, "I would like to know why it is my husband takes so damn long to get something over here."

"Well sweetie," the model purred, "all these interruptions sure ain't helping none either."

Best Friends

Frank and Jim, are walking down the street when Jim turns to Frank and says, "Frank, if you had two of those top-of-the-line Mercedes Benz cars, with all the gear, electric windows, CD player and all of that, exactly the same, would you give me one?"

Frank says, "Jim, how long do we go back? Thirty years? We've been best friends since school, and if I had two of those Mercedes, top-of-the-line cars with all the trimmings, exactly the same, yeah, I would give the other one to you."

So, they keep walking. After a couple of minutes, Frank turns to Jim and says, "Jim, if you had two of those luxury type yachts, you know, with all the modern conveniences, and they were exactly the same, would you give one of them to me?"

Jim says, "Frank, you and me are like brothers, you were best man at my wedding, you attended my son's wedding, we have gone to the same lodge together for all these years. If I had two of those luxury yachts, exactly the same with all the modern conveniences, then yeah Frank, I really would give the other one to you."

They keep walking. A couple of minutes later, Jim turns to Frank, "Frank, if you had two chickens..."

"Now hold on there! Jim, you KNOW I've got two Chickens!"

Restaurant

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating,the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.' 

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?' 

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns.' 

'Do you mean a rose?' 

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?