Heaven

 Long time companions Sylvia and Wanda get together in Paradise.

SYLVIA: Howdy! Wanda. WANDA: Howdy! Sylvia. How'd you kick the bucket?…

SYLVIA: I stuck to death. WANDA: How awful!

SYLVIA: It wasn't all that awful. After I quit shaking from the chilly, I started to get warm and sluggish, lastly passed on a quiet demise.

And you? WANDA: I passed on from a monstrous coronary episode.

I thought that my significant other was cheating, so I got back home right on time to get him in the demonstration. In any case, all things being equal, I found him without help from anyone else in the sanctum staring at the television.

SYLVIA: Anyway, what was the deal?

WANDA: I was so certain there was one more lady there some place that I began running all once again the house looking.

I ran up into the loft and looked, and down into the storm cellar.

Then I went through each storeroom and really looked at under every one of the beds.

I kept this up until I had looked all over, lastly I turned out to be depleted to such an extent that I just fell over with a respiratory failure and kicked the bucket.

SYLVIA: Really awful you didn't search in the cooler — we'd both still be alive.

Who Shot The Big Buck

Three friends decided to go hunting together. One was a lawyer, one a doctor, and the other a preacher. As they were walking, along came a big buck. The three of them shot at the same time and the buck dropped immediately. The hunting party rushed to see how big it actually was. Upon reaching the fallen deer, they found out that it was dead but had only one bullet hole.A debate followed concerning whose buck it was. When a game warden came by, he offered to help. A few moments later, he had the answer.He said with much confidence, "The pastor shot the buck!" The friends were amazed that he could determine that so quickly and with so little examination. The game warden just smiled. "It was easy to figure out. The bullet went in one ear and out the other."

Two Golfing Friends

Two golfing friends were about to tee off, when one fellow noticed thathis partner had but one golf ball. 
"Don't you have at least one other ball?", he asked. 
"Nope, I only need one ball." 
"Are you sure? What happens if you lose that one?" 
"This is a very special golf ball. You can't lose it, so I don't needanother one." 
"What do you mean you can't lose it! What happens if you slice your shotand the ball goes in the lake?" 
"That's okay, this special golf ball senses when it's under water and itputs out a steam of bubbles. I'll be able to retrieve it. You can't losethis ball" 
"Well what happens if you hit it into the long rough?"
"No problem, you see, this ball can detect the long grass and it sends uppuffs of fluorescent smoke. I'll be able to see it easily. You can't losethis ball" 
Exasperated, the friend asks, "Okay. Let's say our game goes late, the sungoes down, and you hit your ball deep into the trees and it gets lostamong the bushes and shrubs?. What are you going to do then?" 
"That's okay too. You see, this special ball can sense the darkness and itmakes a beeping sound. I'll be able to get it back - no problem." 
Finally satisfied that he needs only the one amazing golf ball, the friendasks, "Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?"
"I found it." 

Nuns On The Highway

A cop pulls over a car load of nuns....

Cop: "Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway -- why are you going so slow?"

Sister: "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65."

Cop: "Oh sister, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on!"

Sister: "Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful."

At this point the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling.

Cop: "Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something terrible."

Sister: "Oh, we just got off of highway 119."

A Man Called Home To His Wife

A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box? We're leaving from the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up" "Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?

He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish.But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to do?"

The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box!

200 Bucks

A guy goes over to his friends house, rings the bell. 

The wife answers the door. 

"Hi, is Tony home?" 

"No, he went to the store." 

"Well, you mind if I wait?" 

"No come in." 

They sit down and the friend says, "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one." 

Sara thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a 100 bucks on the table. 

They sit there a while longer and Chris says, "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another 100 bucks if I could just see the both of them together." 

Sara thinks about this and says what the hell opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her and throws another 100 bucks on the table then says he can't wait any longer for Tony and leaves. 

A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says, "You know, your weird friend Chris came over." 

Tony thinks about this for a second and says, "Well, did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

Unusual Affair

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.

His first friend says, “I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren’t mine.”

His second friend says, “I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn’t mine.”

Paddy says, “I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.”

Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.

“No, I’m serious,” Paddy says. “The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.”

Best Friends

Frank and Jim, are walking down the street when Jim turns to Frank and says, "Frank, if you had two of those top-of-the-line Mercedes Benz cars, with all the gear, electric windows, CD player and all of that, exactly the same, would you give me one?"

Frank says, "Jim, how long do we go back? Thirty years? We've been best friends since school, and if I had two of those Mercedes, top-of-the-line cars with all the trimmings, exactly the same, yeah, I would give the other one to you."

So, they keep walking. After a couple of minutes, Frank turns to Jim and says, "Jim, if you had two of those luxury type yachts, you know, with all the modern conveniences, and they were exactly the same, would you give one of them to me?"

Jim says, "Frank, you and me are like brothers, you were best man at my wedding, you attended my son's wedding, we have gone to the same lodge together for all these years. If I had two of those luxury yachts, exactly the same with all the modern conveniences, then yeah Frank, I really would give the other one to you."

They keep walking. A couple of minutes later, Jim turns to Frank, "Frank, if you had two chickens..."

"Now hold on there! Jim, you KNOW I've got two Chickens!"

Gone Camping

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect lake camping and riding trip. 

Two days before the group is to leave Rob's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. 

Rob's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do. 

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Rob sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and supper cooking on the fire. 

"Dang man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?" 

"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'guess who'?" 

I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose pedals all over. She had on the bed, handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did. And then she said, "now, you can do what ever you want." 

So here I am.