TreeSome

Black Powder

A guy enters a bank to see about getting a business loan. 
"What kind of business do you want to start?" asks the bank manager. 
"I have some black powder. You sprinkle it on a women's vagina and it makes it taste like a peach." 
"I don't think we can give you a loan." he replied. 
So the guy left. A few months later he went into the bank with a wheel barrel filled with money. 
The same bank manager said, "Congratulations, I guess that idea for black powder really paid off." 
"Nah, that didn't go anywhere. I made my money with this white powder." 
"Really," replied the bank manager. "What does it do?"
"Give me a peach and I'll show you."

Female Tv Reporter

A female TV reporter from RTE went to interview Seamus Feeney, a farmer from Galway, about Mad Cow disease.

Herself: Good evening Sir, we are here to collect information about the reasons behind Mad Cow Disease. Do you have any idea what might be the reason?

Seamus stared at the reporter and said, "Do you know that the bull rides that cow once a year?

The Lady (getting embarrassed): "Well sir, that's a new piece of information, but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow Disease"?

Seamus: Well now Madam, do you know that we milk the cow four times a day?

The Lady: Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?

The Farmer: I'm getting to the point Madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits four times a day and only riding you once a year, wouldn't you get mad yourself?

The Family Of Potatoes

One night, the Potato family sat down to dinner--Mother Potato and her three daughters. Midway through the meal, the eldest daughter spoke up. "Mother Potato?" she said. "I have an announcement to make."

"And what might that be?" said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her eldest daughter's eyes.

"Well," replied the daughter, with a proud but sheepish grin, "I'm getting married!"

The other daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed, "Married! That's wonderful! And who are you marrying, Eldest daughter?"

"I'm marrying a Russet!"

"A Russet!" replied Mother Potato with pride.

"Oh, a Russet is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!"

As the family shared in the eldest daughter's joy, the middle daughter spoke up. "Mother? I, too, have an announcement."

"And what might that be?" encouraged Mother Potato.

Not knowing quite how to begin, the middle daughter paused, then said with conviction, "I, too, am getting married!"

"You, too!" Mother Potato said with joy. "That's wonderful! Twice the good news in one evening! And who are you marrying, Middle Daughter?"

"I'm marrying an Idaho!" beamed the middle daughter.

"An Idaho!" said Mother Potato with joy. "Oh, an Idaho is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!"

Once again, the room came alive with laughter and excited plan for the future, when the youngest Potato daughter interrupted. "Mother? Mother Potato? Um, I, too, have an announcement to make."

"Yes?" said Mother Potato with great anticipation.

"Well," began the youngest Potato daughter with the same sheepish grin as her eldest sister before her, "I hope this doesn't come as a shock to you, but I am getting married, as well!"

"Really?" said Mother Potato with sincere excitement. "All of my lovely daughters married! What wonderful news! And who, pray tell, are you marrying, Youngest Daughter?"

"I'm marrying Peter Jennings!"

"Peter Jennings?!" Mother Potato scowled suddenly. "But he's just a common tater!"

Unusual Affair

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.

His first friend says, “I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren’t mine.”

His second friend says, “I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn’t mine.”

Paddy says, “I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.”

Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.

“No, I’m serious,” Paddy says. “The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.”

Panda In A Bar

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich.

He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.

As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey, Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"

The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey man, I'm a Panda! Look it up!"

The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

Special Delivery

It was mailman George's last day on the job after 35 years of delivering the mail through all kinds of weather. When he arrived at the first house on his route, the whole family came out, roundly congratulated him, and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. 

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. 

At the next house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. 

When he'd had enough, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. 

"All this is just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" 

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that I wanted to do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.'" 

"Breakfast was my idea."