The Old Man

The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat. 

His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, "Where are you going?" 

He replies, "I'm going to the doctor." 

She says, "Why, are you sick?" 

He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff." 

Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat. 

He says, "Where the hell are you going"? 

She answers, "I'm going to the doctor, too." 

He says, "Why, what do you need?" 

She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a tetanus shot."

Drummer Problems

A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve.

Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."

A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."

Adopted Turtle

Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground.

The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate.

“Dear,” she chirped, “I think it's time to tell him he's adopted.”

Refrigerator Man

A woman goes to a psychiatrist and says, ''Doctor, you've got to do something about my husband -- he thinks he's a refrigerator!''

''I wouldn't worry too much about it,'' the doctor replies. 'Lots of people have harmless delusions. It will pass.''

''But you don't understand,'' the woman insists. ''He sleeps with his mouth open, and the little light keeps me awake.''

Little Johnny Is Taking A Shower

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.

Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven." Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions.

A few weeks later, Johnnys' dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!!"

His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?"

"Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommys' balloons and she's screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!"

Plaster Of Paris

A crumbling old church building needed remodeling, so, during his sermon, the preacher made an impassioned appeal looking directly at the richest man in town. At the end of the sermon, the rich man stood up and announced, "Pastor, I will contribute $1,000."

Just then, plaster fell from the ceiling and struck the rich man on the shoulder. 

He promptly stood back up and shouted, "Pastor, I will increase my donation to $5,000." 

Before he could sit back down, plaster fell on him again, and again he virtually screamed, "Pastor, I will double my last pledge."He sat down, and a larger chunk of plaster fell on his head.

He stood up once more and hollered, "Pastor, I will give $20,000!" 

This prompted a deacon to shout, "Hit him again, Lord! Hit him again!"

A Man Is In His Front Yard

A man is in his front yard attempting to flya kite with his son. However, every time thekite gets up into the air, it comes crashingback down. 

This goes on for a while, when his wife sticksher head out of the front door and yells, "Youneed more tail." 

The father turns to his son and says, "Son,I'll never understand your mother. Yesterday,I told her I needed more tail, and she told meto go fly a kite!"