A Note From Mom

John, a well-to-do bachelor, invited his mother over for dinner one night. During the meal, Mom couldn't help notice how attractive and shapely the house keeper was, and wondered if there was more going on than meets the eye. John sensing what his mother was thinking said to her "I know what you're thinking, Mom, but I assure you my relationship with the house keeper is purely professional."

A week later, the house keeper told John that ever since his mother's visit a silver gravy ladle has been missing. John sent his mother a note which said, "Mom, I'm not saying you did take the gravy ladle, and I'm not saying you didn't, but the fact remains one has been missing since you were here".

A few days later he receives a note from his mother. "John: I'm not saying you sleep with your house keeper, nor am I saying you're not. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom".

Barbie

A man walks into the toy store to get a Barbie doll for his daughter. So he asks the assistant, as you would, "How much is Barbie?" 

"Well," she says, "we have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00." 

"Hey, hang on," the guy asks, "why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?" 

"Yeah, well, it's like this ... Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture ..."     

Working in The Garden

A prisioner in jail received a letter from his wife: 

"I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?" 

The prisioner, knowing that the prison guards read all the mail, replied in a letter: 

"Dear Wife, whatever you do, DO NOT touch the back garden! That is where I hid all the gold." 

A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: 

"You wouldn't believe what happened. Some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up the whole back garden." 

The prisoner wrote another letter:

"Dear wife, NOW is the best time to plant the lettuce!"

MORE PUNCH !!!

Grandma Loves Oranges

A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her Grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. 

The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl became frantic. 

Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her secret, the young girl said that some people were giving out free oranges and that she was lining up for some. 

"Mmmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma, "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But, you're so old, how do you do it?"

Grandma replied," Oh, it's quite easy sonny, I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry."

Restaurant

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating,the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.' 

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?' 

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns.' 

'Do you mean a rose?' 

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?  

Special Gift

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.

The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.

"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated by check. "I know you need to make sure the check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"