6 Double Vodkas

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas." 

The barman says, "Wow! You must have had one hell of a day." 

"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay." 

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today, the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!" 

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. 

The bartender says, "Geez! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?". 

"Yeah, my wife..."

Chain Saw

Bubba decided it was time to purchase a new saw to help clear his heavily timbered property. A salesman showed him the latest model chain saw and assured him that he could easily cut three or four cords of wood per day with it. But the first day, Bubba barely cut one cord of wood. The second morning he arose an hour earlier and managed to cut a little over one cord. The third day he got up even earlier but only managed to achieve a total of 1 ½ cords of wood. 

Bubba returned the saw to the store the next day and explained the situation. 

"Well", said the salesman, "let’s see what’s the matter." He then pulled the cable and the chain saw sprang into action. 

Leaping back, Bubba shouted, "What the heck is that noise?"  

Home Yet

A middle aged woman sought help from her doctor.

"All my husband does is complain that I never want to have sex with him," she said. "And he's right too. I have no desire at all."

The doctor gave her a prescription and told her to return for a visit in two weeks. After the two weeks were up, she bounced smiling into his office.

"Those pills were great Doc, I'm doin' it twice a night now."

"That's wonderful," said the doctor, "What does your husband say now?"

"How should I know?" she replied. "I ain't been home yet."

Three Wishes

One day, a man was walking down the street when he saw a genie lamp in a nearby alley. Excitedly, he picked it up and rubbed it. A genie came out and said, "I will grant you three wishes, Master!"

The man was so happy, his first wish was, "I want a billion dollars!!!!!!"

"Your wish has been granted, a billion dollars is now in your bank account."

The man was even happier. "I want a beautiful woman!"

"Your wish has been granted," the genie said and a beautiful woman appeared!

"This is great!" said the man. Not wanting to waste his last wish, he decided to think about it for awhile longer. "I can't think of another wish right now, can I tell you later?"

"Make it so, whenever you say your wish, it will be granted."

The next day, the man was driving down the road, as happy as ever. He heard a popular commercial song on the radio and decided to sing along with it.

"Oooooh, I wish I were an Oscar-Mayer weinerrr......"

The Gift

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher. The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers. The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy. Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it. 

"Is it wine?" she guessed. 

"No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, " Champagne ? 

"No," said the little boy... "It's a puppy!"

Car Crash

A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."

The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God."

The rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then he hands the bottle to the priest. The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest.

The priest asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The rabbi replies, "No...I think I'll wait for the police."

Extra Money

This girl needed some money, so she is doing odd-jobs around her neighborhood. She decides she's not making enough money, so she goes to a rich neighborhood. She walks up to this house and rings the doorbell. The guy answers and tells her she can paint the porch. He gives her a can of paint and $25. When he goes inside, his wife says, "$25! Does she know that the porch wraps all the way around the house?"

"Oh, she'll do fine." the guy says.

An hour later, the doorbell rings. It's the girl. She says, "I'm finished. I even had some extra paint, so I put another coat on."

The guy is surprised. Then the girl says, "Oh, and by the way, that's not a Porsche, that's a Ferrari."