Man In California

Once there was a man in California. He was standing on a beach when God appeared to him.

God said, "You've been a good man all your life and now I want to grant you one wish. Go ahead and wish for whatever you want."

The man thought for a minute and then replied: "You know, I've always wanted to go to Hawaii. Could you build me a highway to Hawaii so that I can drive there whenever I want?"

God exclaimed, "That's impossible! The logistics....the engineering... I can't do that! Wish for something else."

So the man told God, "I've never been able to understand women. Could you give me the power to understand women?"

Working On The Road

A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old. The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road. "I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can in a trash container and heading down the road toward the men.

"Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?"

"Well, we work for the county government, " one of the men said.

"But one of you is digging a hole and the other is filling it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the county's money?"

"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us--me, Rodney and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back."

"Yea," piped up Mike. "Now just because Rodney's sick, that don't mean we can't work, does it?"

A Guy Is Sitting At A Bar

A guy is sitting at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He's slamming tequila left and right. He grabs one, drinks it, goes over to a window and jumps out. The guy who was sitting next to him couldn't believe that the guy had just done that. He was more surprised when, ten minutes later, the same guy, unscathed, comes walking back into the bar and sits back down next to him. The astonished guy asks "How did you do that? I just saw you jump out that window and we're hundreds of feet above the GROUND!!!". The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch." He takes a shot, slams it down, goes to the window and jumps out. The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls until right before the ground, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the guy walks back into the bar. The other guy has to try it too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He drinks it and goes to the window and jumps. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow down at all....SPLAT!!!!!! The first guy orders another shot of tequila and the bartender says to him, "You're really an jerk when you're drunk, Superman."

Snail Visits Bar

The landlord of a pub, is just locking up, when there's a ring on the doorbell.

He opens the door, and there's a snail sitting there. "What do you want?" asks the landlord.

The snail replies that he wants a drink.

"Go away, we're closed, and we don't serve snails anyway".

The snail pleads and pleads with the barman to give it a drink, at which the landlord gets fed up, kicks the snail and slams the door.

..... Exactly one year later, he's locking up again, and there's a ring at the doorbell. The landlord opens the door, and looks down to see a snail sitting there. "What do you want" says the landlord.

"What did you do that for" says the snail.

A Little Boy

A little boy asked his teacher if he could go to the bathroom,so she said yes. When he went to wipe his bum there was no toilet paper so he used his hands. When he got back to class his teacher asked, 'What do you have in your hand.'The boy said, 'A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get scared away.'

He was then sent to the principals office and the principal asked him, 'What do you have in your hand.'

So the little boy said, 'A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away.' He was sent home and his mom asked him 'What do you have in your hand.'

So the little boy said, 'A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away.' He was sent to his room and his dad came in and said, 'What do you have in your hand.' So again the little boy said, 'A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he get scared away.'

Then his Dad got really mad and yelled, 'Open your hands!'

And the little boy said, 'Look Dad you scared the crap out of him.'

Having Being Married Ten Years

Having been married ten years and still living in an apartment, the wife would often complain about anything, as she was tired of saving every penny to buy a "dream home.

Trying to placate her, the husband found a new apartment, within their budget. However, after the first week, she began complaining again.

Joel, she said, I don't like this place at all. There are no curtains in the bathroom. The neighbors can see me every time I take a bath.

Don't worry. replied her husband. If the neighbors do see you, they'll buy curtains.

Christmas For Mailman

I'm a mailman.

At Christmas this year, Mrs. Jankowitz met me at the door and invited me in for a great breakfast spread.

After I ate, I thanked her and she said, "There's more."

She took me to her bedroom and showed me moves I had never imagined.

I told her I had no idea she felt this way.

She said, "I don't."

I ask, "What was all this about?"

She says, "I asked the husband what to give the mailman."

He said, "Screw the mailman, breakfast was my idea."