Pearly Gates

A lawyer died and arrived at the Pearly Gates. 

Saint Peter asked him, "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?" 

The lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street." 

Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the records, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that it was true. 

Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven." 

The Lawyer said, "Wait, wait! There's more! Three years ago, I also gave a homeless person a quarter." 

Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who, after a moment, nodded back to affirm that it was true. 

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?" 

Gabriel gave the lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell." 

Improvements in Hell

An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After awhile, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him. 

One day God called to Satan to mock him, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?" 

Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God was surprised, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here." 

"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer, and I'm keeping him." 

God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!" 

Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

Designated Drunk

One night at a local bar frequented by a bunch of deer hunters who were waiting for the opening day of deer season, the local sheriff scoped out the joint for possible drunk drivers.

As he waited, eventually a patron stumbled out of the bar, fumbled for his keys, tried them in three different cars until he finally found his, got inside and rested his head on the steering wheel. The deputy knew he had his drunk driver, so now all he had to do was wait for him to start his engine and pull out of the lot.

A few hours passed by and most of the other deer hunters had left by then, when the patron abruptly lifted his head, cranked the car up and drove out of the lot like a bat out of hell. The deputy followed him and stopped him promptly. He administered the breath-o-lizer test and it read 0.00.

Confused, the deputy asked the driver what the hell was going on. The driver looked at him innocently and said, "Well, tonight I'm the designated decoy."