Baseball Bat

After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the long lines, surly clerks and insane regulations at the department of motor vehicles, a lady stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for her son. She brought her selection - a baseball bat to the cash register.

"Cash or charge," the clerk asked.

"Cash," she snapped. Then apologizing for her rudeness, she explained, "I've spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle bureau. I am not too sane right now!!"

"Shall I gift wrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly, "Or or you going back?"

Panda In A Bar

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich.

He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.

As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey, Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"

The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey man, I'm a Panda! Look it up!"

The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

Pretend Marriage

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying “‘Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket – I'm awfully cold.”

“I have a better idea,” she replied “Just for tonight,…… let's pretend that we're married.”

“Wow!…That's a great idea!”, he exclaimed.

“Good,” she replied…. “Get your own f*cking blanket.”

On The First Day Of School

On the first day of school, Peter handed his new teacher a note from his mother. The teacher unsealed the note, read it, looked at Peter with a frown, and placed the note inside a desk drawer. “So what did she write?” Peter asked. “It’s a disclaimer.” 

“A what?” “It says, ‘ The opinions expressed by Peter are not necessarily those of his mother or father,’”

Pro - Football Team

The pro-football team had just finished its daily practice when a large turkey strutted onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and requested a tryout. Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran through the defensive line. When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, “Your are terrific! Sign up for the season, and I’ll see to it that you get a huge signing bonus.” “Forget the bonus,” the turkey said. “All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?”

Three Old Man

Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily dysfunctions.

One 75-year-old man says: "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at 7 a.m. and it takes me 20 minutes to pee."

An 80-year-old man says: "My case is worse. I get up at 8 a.m. and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."

The 90-year-old man says: "Not me. At 7 a.m. I pee like a horse and at 8 a.m. I crap like a cow."

"So what's your problem?" asked the others.

"I don't wake up until 9:00."

Train Test

Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box. 
The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?" 
Tom says: "I would switch one train to another track." 
"What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector. 
"Then I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there", answers Tom. 
"What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector. 
"Then," Tom continued, "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box." 
"What if the phone was busy?" 
"In that case," Tom argued, "I'd run to the street level and use the public phone near the station". 
"What if that had been vandalized?" 
"Oh well," said Tom, "in that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo". 
This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, "Why would you do that?" 
"Because he's never seen a train crash."