Three Old Men

Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily dysfunctions.

One 75-year-old man says: "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at 7 a.m. and it takes me 20 minutes to pee."

An 80-year-old man says: "My case is worse. I get up at 8 a.m. and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."

The 90-year-old man says: "Not me. At 7 a.m. I pee like a horse and at 8 a.m. I crap like a cow."

"So what's your problem?" asked the others.

"I don't wake up until 9:00."

Butcher Shop

A lady goes into the butcher shop and as she is walking around the store, she spies a beef tongue in the butcher's counter. The lady asks, “What in the world is that?”

“Beef tongue,” replies the butcher!

The lady gives a little involuntary shudder, “No way would I put anything in my mouth that came out of an animal's mouth!”

The butcher nods sympathetically while peeking into the woman's shopping cart, “I see you're buying a dozen eggs!”

Smart Puppy

A guy went to the cinema one day and noticed an old man with a dog in the front row. It was a sad, funny kind of film and the guy noticed that during the sad parts the dog cried his eyes out, and during the funny parts, the dog laughed its head off.

This happened throughout the film. After the film ended, the guy decided to go and speak to the old man.

"That's the most amazing thing I've seen," he said. "That dog really seemed to enjoy the film."

The old man turned to him and said: "Yeah, it is amazing. He hated the book."

Camel Questions

The little camel went to his mother and asked, "Mother, why do we camels have such big eyes?"

She looked on him lovingly and replied, "You see, my son, when we are walking in the dessert and the wind starts to blowing and there's sand everywhere, we need these big eyes to keep an eye on one another so that we don't get lost."

"Oh!" he said. "And why do we have such huge feet?

"Well," she said, "they allow us to walk easily in the dessert sands and help us avoid sinking into the dunes."

"Wow," he said, "great equipment. What the heck is this stuff on our backs for?"

"You see," his mother informed, "we can walk for days, even weeks without food or water, so we use it to store fat during those times. But why do you ask me all these obvious questions?"

"Well, mother," said the young camel, "I was just wondering, if we've got all of this great stuff, what are we doing in the zoo?"

Curtain Road

After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman. 

The house was in his name and he wanted to remain there with his new love so he asked the wife to move out and then he would buy her another place. 

The wife agreed to this, but asked that she be given 3 days on her own there, to pack up her things. 

While he was gone, the first day she lovingly put her personal belongings into boxes and crates and suitcases. 

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. 

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their candlelit dining table, soft music playing in the background, and feasted on a pound of shrimp and a bottle of Chardonnay. 

When she had finished, she went into each room and deposited a few of the resulting shrimp shells into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. 

The husband came back, with his new girl, and all was bliss for the first few days. Then it started; slowly but surely. 

Clueless, the man could not explain why the place smelled so bad. They tried everything; cleaned & mopped and aired the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned, air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in, the carpets were replaced, and on it went. 

Finally, they could take it no more and decided to move. 

The moving company arrived and did a very professional packing job, taking everything to their new home ... including the curtain rods.    

A Good Day for Ice Fishing

After church, little Johnny and his brother go ice fishing. Little Johnny starts drilling on the ice when a voice from above says, "Young man, there's no fish down there.”

Little Johnny asks his brother, "Who is that?"

His brother replies, "I don't know."

So little Johnny starts to drill again and the voice says again, "For the second time, there's no fish down there."

Little Johnny asks his brother, "Could that be God?"

His brother replies again, "I don't know." 

Little Johnny starts drilling again and the voice says once more, "Young man, for the last time, I'm telling you there's no fish down there."

Johnny looks up and asks, "Is that you, God?"

The voice says, "No, I'm the manager and the rink's closed."

Jury Fixing

Murphy, a dishonest lawyer, bribed a man on his client's jury to hold out

for a charge of manslaughter, as opposed to the charge of murder which was brought by the state.

The jury was out for several days before they returned with the manslaughter verdict.

When Murphy paid the corrupt juror, he asked him if he had a very difficult time convincing the other jurors to see things his way.

"Sure did," the juror replied, "the other eleven wanted to acquit."