Free Meat

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted the butcher with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it?

Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.

He had been counting the years off on his calender, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."

"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."

When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on HIS face!"

Tennis Shoes

Two hunters are walking through a forest looking for deer. When all of a sudden, a giant bear jumps out and scares the shit out of them. They drop their guns and run like hell. 

One of the hunters stopped, opened up his backpack and laced up a pair of tennis shoes. His buddy looked at him and said, "What are you doing? Are you crazy? You can't outrun the bear!" 

To this the hunter said, "I know, all I have to do is outrun you!"  

Farting Competition

A man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a few minutes the man cuts a fart. His wife rolls over and asks, "What in the world was that?" 

The man says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead, seven to nothing." 

A few minutes later the wife lets one loose. The man says to her, "What was that?" 

She replies, "Touchdown, tie score." 

The man lays there for about ten minutes trying to work one up. He tries so hard that he shits all over the bed. 

The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?" He replies, "Half time. Switch sides."

Letter

A man and his wife received a letter from their daughter who went to study overseas: 

My beloved Parents, I miss you so much. I don’t know when I’m coming home, but it seems not anytime soon. It breaks my heart to think that by the time I get back you’ll be too old. So enclosed you will find a bottle of a potion I have invented. It will make you young, so when I return you’ll be the same age as I left you. 

NOTE: “Please take only one drop” 

So they opened the envelope and in it there is a bottle with a red potion. The husband looks at the wife and says: “You go first.” 

So the wife opens the bottle and takes a drop, there after the husband follows. Indeed they do turn 5 years younger. 

Years later the daughter returns home to find her mother young and beautiful, carrying a baby on her back. 

The mother proceeds to tell her daughter how the potion worked and made her look young. 

The daughter is delighted and asks about her father. 

“Your father? Hmmm, my child, your father was so jealous that I was young and beautiful so he drank the whole bottle.” 

“So where is he?” 

“Oh, that’s him I have on my back."

They Groaned When She Starts To Talk About How It Was In Her Days. But What She Said Next Is Gold.

Do you still remember what it was like to be a kid? What were the things that marked that childhood? What games did you play down the street, or in the schoolyard? What were your favorite candies and cartoons?

This blast from the past will intrigue you, whether it is your time or way before. Enjoy.

Poor Game Of Golf

After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about 20 minutes ago?"

"Yes," the golfer responded.

"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?"

"Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked.

"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?"

The golfer thought it over carefully and responded... "I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."

Glass Eye

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her. 

Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. 

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dessert to make it up to you." 

They enjoy a wonderful dessert together, and afterwards, the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap...and stay for breakfast the next morning. 

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything has been incredible! 

"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" 

"No," she replies... 

... "You just happened to catch my eye