Retirement Home

An old man and an old woman are together every night. They aren't married, but for years and years they have spent every night together. All they ever do is sit on the couch buck naked and watch TV while she holds his weiner.

Every night, like clockwork, they do this - sit on the couch watching TV while she holds his weiner.

One night he doesn't show up. Then a second night goes by - no show. She calls him up.

"Where you been?" "Oh ... I've been down at what's her name's." "What are you doing there?"

"Pretty much the same thing we do - sitting naked on the couch watching TV while she holds my weiner."

"Well, what does she have that I don't have?"

"Parkinson's."

Strange People

There was a young Scottish boy called Angus who decided to try life in Australia. He found an apartment in a small block and settled in. 
After a week or two, his mother called from Aberdeen to see how her son was doing in his new life. 
'I'm fine, ' Angus said. 'But there are some really strange people living in these apartments. One woman cried all day long, another lies on her floor moaning, and there is a guy next door to me who bangs his head on the wall all the time.' 
'Well, ma laddie,' says his mother, 'I suggest you don't associate with people like that.' 
'Oh,' says Angus, 'I don't, Mam, I don't. No, I just stay inside my apartment all day and night, playing my bagpipes.'