After 40 Years Of Marriage

After 40 years of marriage, the wife had not received a gift for Xmas, birthday, or anniversary since the first Xmas. So she drug her husband to the counselor.
After explaining all of this to the counselor, she looked at her husband with tears in her eyes and asked, "Why do you treat me this way?" 
The husband said, "I am a very practical man, so when you use the first present I got you, I'll get you another." 
The counselor asked, "What did he get you?" 
The wife bowed her head and whispered, "A cemetery plot."

Today Is My Birthday

A woman is in the bar of a cruise ship and she asks the bartender for a scotch and two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink, she says, "It's my birthday today, and I'm on the cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday." 

The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday I'll buy you a drink; in fact, I'll take care of this one for you." 

As the women finishes her drink the woman to her right says, "I guess I should buy you a drink." 

The old woman says, "All right. Bartender, I want a scotch and two drops of water." 

"All right," says the bartender. As she finishes her drink, the man to her right says, "Since I'm the only one around you that hasn't bought you a drink, I guess I might as well buy you one." 

The old woman says, "All right. Bartender I want a scotch and two drops of water." 

"Coming right up," the bartender says. As he gives her the drink he says, 

"Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the scotch and only two drops of water?" 

The old woman replies, "Sonny, you learn that when you're my age, you can hold your liquor but you sure can't hold your water."

Birthday Party

A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out..... a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they will help chop some wood for her out back. Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house. 

The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown hadn't shown up. After a half and hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would probably not make the party at all. 

The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself. She happened to look out the window and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did mid-air flips, and leaped high in the air. 

She spoke to the other bum and said, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!"

The other bum says, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. 'HEY WILLIE! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"            

Two Drops

   

A lady went to the bar on a cruise ship, and ordered a Scotch, with two drops of water. The bartender gave her the drink, and she said, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday, and it's today." 

The bartender said, "Well, since it's your birthday, this one's on me." 

As the lady finished her drink, a woman, to her right, said, "I'd like to buy you a drink, too." The lady said, "Thank you, how sweet of you. OK, then, Bartender, I want another Scotch, with two drops of water." 

"Coming up," said the bartender. 

As she finished that drink, a man, to her left, said, "I'd like to buy you a drink too." The lady said, "Thank you very much, my dear. Bartender, I'll have another Scotch, with two drops of water." 

"Coming right up," the bartender said. 

As he gave her the drink, this time, he said, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?" 

The old woman giggled, and replied, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue."  

Hot Water

John works hard and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday. 

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she blindfold him and takes him to a local strip club. 

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, John! How ya doin?" 

Once inside his wife removes the blindfold but she's puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. 

"Oh no," says John. "He's on my bowling team." 

When they are seated, a waitress asks John if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. 

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" 

"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the first nine, honey. 

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around John, starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Johnny. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" 

John's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. John follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. 

John tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him or someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book. 

The cabby turns around and says, "Geez John, you picked up a real bitch this time."