Lesson In Logic

A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.

"Here is the situation," she said. "A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"

A girl raised her hand and asked, "To withdraw all his money from his savings account?"

Little Girl

A little girl is sitting on her grandpa's lap and studying the wrinkles on his old face. She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles. Then she touches her own face and looks more puzzled. Finally the little girl asks, "Grandpa, did God make you?" 
"He sure did honey, a long time ago," replies her grandpa. 
"Well, did God make me?" asks the little girl. 
"Yes, He did, and that wasn't too long ago," answers her grandpa. 
"Boy," says the little girl, "He's sure doing a lot better job these days isn't He?"

Pepsi Genie

It was a black man.....a hungry, thirsty bum. He was looking for food in a garbage can, when suddenly he finds a can of Pepsi. He opens the can and a magic genie comes out.
"You get three wishes, be very careful and don't spoil them."

"OK, OK," and without hesitation he says, "first I want to be white. Second, I want a lot of girls, naked girls, beautiful girls sitting on my face! And third, I want plenty to drink.... lots of water.

Bam, presto...the Magic Genie turned him into.....a toilet!

Lost It

A guy and a girl are lying in a dorm-room bed after just having sex.
The guy lies on his side of the bed and rests.

The girl rolls to her side of the bed and says to herself, "I finally did it! I'm no longer a virgin."

The guy overhears her talking to herself and asks, "Are you saying you lost your virginity to me?"

"Well," the girl explains, "I always wanted to wait until I was with the man I love to lose my virginity."

Astounded, the guy replies, "So you really love me?"

"Oh God no!" the girl says. "I just got sick of waiting."

Son In Law

A Jewish girl brings her fiancé home to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. He invites the fiancé to his study for schnapps. 

"So what are your plans?" the father asks the fiancé.

"I am a Torah scholar," he replies. 

"A Torah scholar," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?" 

"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us." 

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father. 

"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us." 

"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?" 

"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancé. 

The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the fiancé insists that God will provide. 

Later, the mother asks, "How did it go?" The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."

Get Me My Drink

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks, "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls, "And get me another whisky you bitch". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach, "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick your ass".

Next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says, "For someone who can't fly you're a lippy bastard!"

Extra Money

This girl needed some money, so she is doing odd-jobs around her neighborhood. She decides she's not making enough money, so she goes to a rich neighborhood. She walks up to this house and rings the doorbell. The guy answers and tells her she can paint the porch. He gives her a can of paint and $25. When he goes inside, his wife says, "$25! Does she know that the porch wraps all the way around the house?"

"Oh, she'll do fine." the guy says.

An hour later, the doorbell rings. It's the girl. She says, "I'm finished. I even had some extra paint, so I put another coat on."

The guy is surprised. Then the girl says, "Oh, and by the way, that's not a Porsche, that's a Ferrari."

Curtain Road

After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman. 

The house was in his name and he wanted to remain there with his new love so he asked the wife to move out and then he would buy her another place. 

The wife agreed to this, but asked that she be given 3 days on her own there, to pack up her things. 

While he was gone, the first day she lovingly put her personal belongings into boxes and crates and suitcases. 

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. 

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their candlelit dining table, soft music playing in the background, and feasted on a pound of shrimp and a bottle of Chardonnay. 

When she had finished, she went into each room and deposited a few of the resulting shrimp shells into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. 

The husband came back, with his new girl, and all was bliss for the first few days. Then it started; slowly but surely. 

Clueless, the man could not explain why the place smelled so bad. They tried everything; cleaned & mopped and aired the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned, air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in, the carpets were replaced, and on it went. 

Finally, they could take it no more and decided to move. 

The moving company arrived and did a very professional packing job, taking everything to their new home ... including the curtain rods.    

Half Sisters

One Sunday morning Joe burst into the living room and said: "Dad, Mom, I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan."

After dinner, Joe's dad took him aside and said: "Son, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married 30 years. She's a wonderful wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half-sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."

Joe was heartbroken. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced: "Dianne said yes! We are getting married in June."

Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news: "Diane is your half-sister too, Joe, I am very sorry about this."

Joe was furious. He finally decided to go to his mother with the news.

"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I am never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half-sister."

His mother just shook her head and said: "Don't pay any attention to what he says, dear. He's not really your father."

Hairy Bikers

A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says. While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?" She does, and it is a long, deep, lingering kiss. After she's finished, the tough, hairy biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had! That's a real talent you’re wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl…"

Your Brother Named Them

A woman was rushed into the hospital in an ambulance as she was just about to give birth to twins. 

At the hospital the lady was in such pain she had to be sedated. 

A couple of hours after the babies had been delivered, she woke up and asked to see her children. 

"Doctor, could you bring my babies to me so I can name them?" 

The doctor replied, "You don't need to worry about names, your brother has already named them." 

"Why did you let him name them, he has no sense! What did he call the little girl then?" 

"Denise." replied the doctor. 

"Oh that’s not too bad, I thought u were going to tell me he'd named her something awful! So what did he call the little boy?" 

"De-nephew, of course!"

Grandma Loves Oranges

A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her Grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. 

The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl became frantic. 

Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her secret, the young girl said that some people were giving out free oranges and that she was lining up for some. 

"Mmmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma, "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But, you're so old, how do you do it?"

Grandma replied," Oh, it's quite easy sonny, I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry."

Dog in Heat

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block? 

Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat." 

"What's that mean?" asked the child. 

"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage." 

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you." 

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." 

He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block." The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. 

Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?" 

The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."