Launderette Reunion

Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health, one asked how the other's husband was doing.

"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"

"Oh dear! I'm so very sorry," replied her friend. "What did you do?"

"Opened a can of peas instead."

An Elderly Couple Had Dinner

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating,the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to anew restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."

The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name ofthat flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red andhas thorns."

"Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchenand yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to lastnight?"

Son In Law

A Jewish girl brings her fiancé home to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. He invites the fiancé to his study for schnapps. 

"So what are your plans?" the father asks the fiancé.

"I am a Torah scholar," he replies. 

"A Torah scholar," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?" 

"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us." 

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father. 

"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us." 

"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?" 

"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancé. 

The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the fiancé insists that God will provide. 

Later, the mother asks, "How did it go?" The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."

The End Of The Ham

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A young woman was preparing a ham dinner. After she cut off the end of the ham, she placed it in a pan for baking. Her friend asked her,"Why did you cut off the end of the ham"? And she replied ,"I really don't know but my mother always did, so I thought you were supposed to."

Later when talking to her mother she asked her why she cut off the end of the ham before baking it, and her mother replied,"I really don't know, but that's the way my mom always did it."

A few weeks later while visiting her grandmother, the young woman asked, "Grandma, why is it that you cut off the end of a ham before you bake it?"

Her grandmother replied ,"Well dear, otherwise it would never fit into my baking pan."

Fooling Around

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot."

"Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her." George was brokenhearted. 

After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half sister too, George. 

"I'm awfully sorry about this." George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared. 

"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister."

"Hee hee," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "Don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father."

A Note From Mom

John, a well-to-do bachelor, invited his mother over for dinner one night. During the meal, Mom couldn't help notice how attractive and shapely the house keeper was, and wondered if there was more going on than meets the eye. John sensing what his mother was thinking said to her "I know what you're thinking, Mom, but I assure you my relationship with the house keeper is purely professional."

A week later, the house keeper told John that ever since his mother's visit a silver gravy ladle has been missing. John sent his mother a note which said, "Mom, I'm not saying you did take the gravy ladle, and I'm not saying you didn't, but the fact remains one has been missing since you were here".

A few days later he receives a note from his mother. "John: I'm not saying you sleep with your house keeper, nor am I saying you're not. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom".

Restaurant

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating,the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.' 

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?' 

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns.' 

'Do you mean a rose?' 

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?  

The Spice Of Life

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide they need to try and spice up their sex lives… that night all three will wear a leather corset, stilettos, and mask over their eyes.

After a few days they meet again.

The engaged girlfriend said: “The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather corset, 4′ stilettos and mask. He said, ‘You are the woman of my life, I love you… then we made love all night long.”

The mistress stated: “Oh Yes! The other night we met in the office. I was wearing the leather corset, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn’ say a word. We just had wild sex all night.”

The married one then said: “The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said, ‘Hey Batman, what’s for dinner?'”

A Mother Is Invited To Dinner

A mother is invited by her son, Anthony, for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Tina. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn’t help but notice how pretty Anthony’s roommate is. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom’s thoughts, Anthony volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Tina and I are just roommates.” About a week later, Tina came to Anthony saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?” “Well, I doubt it, but I’ll email her, just to be sure. ” So he sat down and wrote an email: Dear Mama, I’m not saying that you “did” take the sugar bowl from my house; I’m not saying that you “did not” take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Anthony Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama which read: Dear son, I’m not saying that you “do” sleep with Tina, and I’m not saying that you “do not” sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now. Love, Mama:)