Bedtime Prayers

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents.

At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs. "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE... I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO... I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."

His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."

To which the little brother replied, "No, but Gramma is!"

How Was Your Game , Dear ?

"How was your game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy. 

"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went," he answered. 

"But you're 75 years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?" 

"But he's 85 and doesn't play golf anymore," protested Jack. 

"But he's got perfect eyesight. He would watch the ball for you," Tracy pointed out. 

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack. 

"Yup," Scott answered. 

"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance. 

"I forgot."

5 Shots

One day a guy walks in a bar and asks for five shots of whiskey.

The bartender asks why.

The guy says, "I found out my brother is gay."

The same guy, comes in the next day and asks for ten shots of whiskey.

The bartender asks why.

The guys says, "I found out my other brother is gay."

The next day, the same guy comes in and asks for fifteen shots of whiskey.

The bartender asks why.

The guy says, "I found out my other brother is gay."

The bartender says, "Doesn't anyone like pussy anymore?"

The guy says, "Yeah, my sister."

Church Bell Ringer

A church's bell ringer passed away. The church posted the job opening in the local newspaper's classified ads and a man came in with no arms wanting the job. The clergy weren't sure he could do it, but he convinced them to let him try it. They climbed the bell tower and the guy ran toward the bell and hit it with his head, producing a beautiful melody. They gave him the job on the spot. The next day he went to ring the bell, tripped, bounced off the bell and fell to the sidewalk below. Two priests were walking past. One asked, "Do you know this guy?" The other responded, "No, but his face rings a bell." 

The next day, the dead man's twin brother came in for the again vacant bell ringer position. He also had no arms. The clergy led him up to the bell tower, where he ran at the bell, tripped and fell to the sidewalk below. The same two priests walked up. The first asked, "Do you know him?" The second responded, "No, but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

A Good Day for Ice Fishing

After church, little Johnny and his brother go ice fishing. Little Johnny starts drilling on the ice when a voice from above says, "Young man, there's no fish down there.”

Little Johnny asks his brother, "Who is that?"

His brother replies, "I don't know."

So little Johnny starts to drill again and the voice says again, "For the second time, there's no fish down there."

Little Johnny asks his brother, "Could that be God?"

His brother replies again, "I don't know." 

Little Johnny starts drilling again and the voice says once more, "Young man, for the last time, I'm telling you there's no fish down there."

Johnny looks up and asks, "Is that you, God?"

The voice says, "No, I'm the manager and the rink's closed."