Scaring The Kids

A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

'What's up?' he says.

'I'm having a heart attack,' cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialling. his four-year-old son comes up and says,

`Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your wardrobe and he's got no clothes on!'

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife and rips open the wardrobe door.

Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.

'You jerk,' yells the husband, 'my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!'

Rider

After a round of golf, four ladies sat around the club house, chatting. 

Seeing the ladies, the Pro approached them and asked: "How did your game go? 

The first lady, a brunette, said she had a good round ... making the comment that she actually had 25 riders. The Pro was a bit perplexed not knowing what a "Rider" was. 

The second was a blonde lady who quickly chimed in and said that she had a very good round as well with 16 riders. 

The third lady then said that her round was average and that she only had 10 riders. 

The fourth lady admitted that she played the worst round of the day and that she only had 2 riders all day long. 

The Pro was completely confused not knowing what the term "rider" meant. But, because he didn't want to look dumb, he made a quick polite remark, wished the ladies well and then left. 

He then approached the bartender and asked "Hey, can you tell me what these ladies are talking about when they refer to "Riders"?" 

The bartender simply smiled and said..."A 'Rider" is when you hit a shot long enough to ride on the golf cart to your ball.

The Dead Dog

A lady awoke one morning and discovered her dog was not moving. She called her vet who asked her to bring the dog in. After a brief examination, the vet pronounced the dog dead.

"Are you sure", the distraught woman asked? "He was a great family pet. Isn't there anything else you can do?"

The vet paused for a moment and said, "There is one more thing we can do." He left the room for a moment and came back carrying a large cage with a cat in it. The vet opened the cage door and the cat walked over to the dog. The cat sniffed the dog from head to toe and walked back to the cage.

"Well, that confirms it", the vet announced, "your dog is dead."

Satisfied that the vet had done everything he possibly could, the woman sighed, "How much do I owe you?"

"That will be $1,330", the vet replied.

"I don't believe it", screamed the woman! "What did you do that cost $1,330????"

"Well", the vet replied, "it's $30 for the office visit and $1,300 for the CAT scan."

Train Ride

A young technician and his boss board a train headed through the mountains. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.

After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young tech are interested in each because they are giving each other "looks." Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of the smack of a kiss followed by the sound of the smack of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word.

The grandmother is thinking to herself: "It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him." The boss is setting there thinking: "I didn't know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped and hit me!" The young woman was sitting and thinking: "I'm glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother hadn't slapped him!"

The young tech sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself: "Life at work is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his boss all at the same time!”

6 Double Vodkas

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas." 

The barman says, "Wow! You must have had one hell of a day." 

"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay." 

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today, the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!" 

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. 

The bartender says, "Geez! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?". 

"Yeah, my wife..."

Chain Saw

Bubba decided it was time to purchase a new saw to help clear his heavily timbered property. A salesman showed him the latest model chain saw and assured him that he could easily cut three or four cords of wood per day with it. But the first day, Bubba barely cut one cord of wood. The second morning he arose an hour earlier and managed to cut a little over one cord. The third day he got up even earlier but only managed to achieve a total of 1 ½ cords of wood. 

Bubba returned the saw to the store the next day and explained the situation. 

"Well", said the salesman, "let’s see what’s the matter." He then pulled the cable and the chain saw sprang into action. 

Leaping back, Bubba shouted, "What the heck is that noise?"  

Home Yet

A middle aged woman sought help from her doctor.

"All my husband does is complain that I never want to have sex with him," she said. "And he's right too. I have no desire at all."

The doctor gave her a prescription and told her to return for a visit in two weeks. After the two weeks were up, she bounced smiling into his office.

"Those pills were great Doc, I'm doin' it twice a night now."

"That's wonderful," said the doctor, "What does your husband say now?"

"How should I know?" she replied. "I ain't been home yet."